As William Wordsworth once said, “To begin, begin.”
I have a long scar across the palm of my left hand. The story is that, when I was a baby, I fell on my glass bottle running after my mother, as she was walking out the door. I had good reason to be anxious. When either one of my parents left, it was never certain that they would come back. Sometimes they did, sometimes they didn’t. As I got older, sometimes they answered when I called, sometimes the number had been changed. My friend JoDee was the first person who’s presence I had the luxury of taking for granted; I never had to run after her because she never left.
We met in 4th grade, but it wasn’t until a few years later, when we lost our balance, like all middle schoolers do, that we were pulled into each other’s orbit. We both faked our laps in P.E., loved meatloaf day in the cafeteria, WMAK radio, and Queen. Lying on the grass, making clover chains in the heat of our adolescence, we shared stories about our lives (her father, strange and occasionally missing, and me, left on my own at thirteen) until, over time, the stories piled up, undisturbed, and our friendship took root.
By eighth grade, I had a botched home perm and a revolving door of temporary care givers. Like those random pieces of junk that turn up when you’re packing for a move, I belonged somewhere, but no one could quite figure out where, or with whom.
They had places to be, so they left.
I wish I could say I weathered this all with grace, but the truth is that I was beyond angry. I was a mean little eye-roller, and not up for loving anyone. Basically, I was a real pain in the ass.
For a while, I loved the empty apartment, where I could sing show tunes as loud as I wanted. But eventually, though I never would have admitted it, I got lonely. JoDee and I cracked each other up, and her house had an open door policy, so that’s where I found myself. Literally.
JoDee’s mother, Dee, took me in. She was a kindergarten teacher raising three kids, but didn’t mind that I walked through their front door without knocking and went straight to the fridge for onion dip and Tab. She didn’t mind when I called her Mom, and best of all, she usually answered. I wonder how that must have felt to JoDee, to have the finite resource of her single mother’s attention stretched to nourish a kid as hungry as I was.
I didn’t think about that. Instead, I made myself comfortable on one side of JoDee’s queen size bed and plunked my toothbrush down by the small bathroom sink.
For years I gave JoDee’s mom all the credit for this arrangement and how it changed my life, but even though I still am deeply grateful to Dee, now that I have kids almost the age that JoDee and I were then, I realize I need to share that gratitude with my friend, too.
In a pattern that would repeat for decades, JoDee made room for me when I needed it.
How long did I live with her in high school, what was it, weeks? Months? I can’t remember. It seems like a lot of my Freshman and Sophomore year was spent at her house, piled together on the La-Z Boy watching MTV, or lying on her bed staring at Sting plastered to the walls of her room.
It wasn’t a perfect world. We got up to a lot of teenage shenanigans (sorry, gotta leave that part out in case her kids read this), but at JoDee’s house I didn’t have to jump when an adult entered the room, and I relaxed into not being afraid.
This was great for me, but again, I wonder how it was for her. She was the first one I’d call when a boyfriend dumped me, or when I needed a roommate, a car, an alibi, a pep talk, a date, a meal. She saw every terrible play I was in and stayed awake during most of them. I’m exhausted just thinking about it all.
JoDee thinks of herself as a fixer in remission. She’s come a long way and works very hard now on not taking on people’s problems and not feeling like she has to rescue every stray person who lands on her doorstep. I hear her struggle with that, and cheer her on when she manages to let people handle their own shit, but the truth is, if she had been a little less of a fixer, I most certainly would have stayed broken.
I would love it if she had a list this long of the ways I helped her through the first half of her life. I could say that I plan to help her just as much during the next half but, thankfully, neither of us need that kind of help anymore. She is the most grounded, big-hearted person I know. She has a wonderful husband and kids, a job she’s good at and a community of friends who know, just as I do, how special she is. She’s all good.
I have to accept that our friendship wasn’t always even-steven, and guess what? No one is keeping score. When I see the memes and read the popular advice that you should “only surround yourself with positive people!”, I thank my lucky stars that JoDee didn’t do that, back in the day.
One of the great things about reaching middle-age is that I can see trouble coming a mile away, and I make a sharp turn to avoid it. When I see someone whose life is full of a suspicious amount of drama, I make myself scarce. (Oh the irony.) A friend told me recently that she admires the fact that I “do not suffer fools.” I think she’s probably right, and even though I’m glad that I’m not surrounded by people who drain me, or come attached to their own personal dark cloud, I wonder if I’ve missed some lovely friendships just for sheer lack of patience.
JoDee, I’m grateful that you suffered at least one fool, and that was me. I may not be able to change my tendency toward self-preservation at all costs, but, just like I did years ago when I crashed your family, I can experiment with not being afraid. I can try to have just a little more courage and make a little more room for foolishness. Who knows what could happen?
So while you may not have been able to teach me how to drive a stick shift, or talk me out of bringing that guy back from Paris, see?
I’m still learning from you.
16 thoughts on “ What My Best Friend Taught Me, Forty Years In”
I loved this so much. I had a similar childhood but sadly, I never had a JoDee in my life. It makes my heart happy that you two found each other. XXOO
I’m sorry to hear that, Jan. Yes, it was a very lucky break that I met JoDee when I did. Do you ever write about your experiences as a kid? I find it very healing and it’s helped to look at those years from the relative safety of my adult life. Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment.
Simply wonderful! I love writing that transmits images along with it. Yours did that. Very rare. I think you should submit this to some brainiac writing sites. 🙂
Thank you so very much. I saw that you shared and I can’t tell you how encouraging that is! I should be cooler and just say thanks, but I still feel like hugging anyone who takes the time to read what I write. I really appreciate it.
What a beautiful tribute to your friend. I am sure she is grateful for you every day as well. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Thank you for reading. It means a lot, as you well know!
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What an amazing tribute to your friend who was true as can be. It’s hard to imagine what you had to endure as a child but glad you not only came through it but have been able to use it to become such a vivid and poignant writer.
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Thank you so much 🙂
That was a beautiful read and a wonderful testimony to the love of a great friend. You are so blessed to have had her (and her mum) in your life. I hope she reads this because if I was her I’d cry a little and treasure it forever. Wonderful post x
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A beautiful reflective story to share. It touched me and really shows how the things we do everyday matter more than we know at the time. JoDee was your angel.
Beautiful. I love your friend for loving you completely when you needed it the most. She didn’t suffer any fools, she knew a good thing when she saw it even if you weren’t able to see it at the time. I also love her for having an unlocked front door and an endless supply of Tab and onion dip.
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It’s beautiful – this lifelong love story between two friends who have saved each other. Over and over. You’ve had the worst and you’ve had the best in this life. And you have the most beautiful gift of words and authenticity with which to tell your story. Keep writing. The world needs – or more simply put – I need more of your music. Thank you for sharing the gift of you, Maggie. Happy 50th birthday year to you and JoDee!! ❤️
Thank you for reading. I appreciate it more than you know 🙂
You and JoDee embraced me with no judgment. Your post makes me realize it’s because you embraced each other with no judgment. Isn’t that what family is really about?
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Lee, I was just reading through your kind responses to my blog. What an act of generosity, to sit and read through all these posts and leave such thoughtful and supportive comments! I’ve always loved you, you know that. Thank you so much, Lee. I know you know what it’s like to put yourself out there. This means so much to me. Xo